Trials

I write this with a very heavy heart so please forgive me if this leaves you feeling weighed down too…

My prayer… Dear God, please use this opportunity to bring all of us closer to you… Shower us with peace and grace. Help me trust you and the plans you have for me. I feel you working and I am desperately trying not to worry and to leave everything in your hands. I cannot see the whole picture, and there are so many things I do not have answers for. I will trust you to lead all of us, and trust in your plans.

We were never promised that this life would be easy.  

Life. Is. Hard.

We live in a broken word, full of broken people. So I imagine every one of you who reads this has been to the place where you wish you could leave. Where you are filled with agony, ache with sadness, desperation, and all you want is make it stop.

Right now I would like to thank you for reconsidering. It is my hope that you had a long talk with God, and let him intervene in your life.

Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous hand

Isaiah 41:10

It truly breaks my heart to know people are hurting. Hurting so deeply it blocks out any light, takes away all hope.

I think we all face these moments, maybe more than once. I can admit there have been many occasions I’ve been ready to give up and wish I could go home. I’ve even been to the point I don’t care about “home” and just want to be done. It usually doesn’t take long for me to reconsider. Now I only have to think of my children and know that I can’t leave. Oh but if I didn’t have kids… I think of my family, my friends. I think of the job God has for me here. Being the person I am I could not leave that unfinished.

 I know I have a calling to do big things. I think that part of getting there has been going through some tough times.

I think you are defined by how you handle those tough situations. &&There will be many trials… How are YOU going to handle them? Will you stand up and face them, or crumble? Will you call upon God? Or turn your back to him? Will you fight? Or will you give up?

I choose to face it, always fighting. With even more strength now that I allow God to work through me.  I will also always have HOPE. Sometimes I might have to dig down deep to find it, but it’s always there.

This renewed faith has given me a whole new outlook… Normally I would have turned inward looking for strength, tried solving things myself. Today I immediately turned to God; put all of this worry, heartache, uncertainty, stress… in his hands! That is not easy for me so I am still feeling slightly nauseous. The little voice in my ear is telling me to panic and put my hands back on the wheel.

I don’t know what is to come… I am doing my best to exercise faith.

Moving Forward

Today my sweet Keegan graduated from Kindergarten!! I wasn’t sure how I would feel today, but I really haven’t thought about it much, I am like a horse with blinders on right now, focusing on the road ahead.

We tried to get there super early because we brought some yummy cake pops for his graduation. Thursdays are when Keegan’s class rides horses but I didn’t think they would today; as we got there Barb asked if we wanted to take Keegan to ride. I haven’t been able to go to the school and see Keegan ride, and I was really upset about it actually.  I haven’t been to his school much at all this year. Between fundraising, and my 15 month old monster I haven’t had many opportunities. Not to mention the fact that when I used to go to any of Keegan’s school’s functions I was completely overwhelmed. I become incredibly sad when I think of a school full of children with all sorts of conditions, disorders, diagnosis, and different degrees of developmental delay. I think of all of those children’s families, I multiply the heartache I feel and it is encumbering. Then I look at the amazing people who put all of their hearts into working with these kids, and the love is equally staggering. I don’t know if that should or will go away. Being there reminds me to be humble, and that there are others out there suffering just as deeply if not more than I do.

I was elated to get to watch Keegan ride the horse and capture some photos. It was awesome to watch him and his classmates. My little monster even got to hop on and go for a ride!  He is the youngest kid to ride horses at Keegan’s school. The lovely lady told me we made her day. She has no idea that she made my day!

 

By the time we got back to the classroom it was time to start the graduation ceremony. Then it started to sink in… Watching the kids in their caps and gowns, listening to the choir sing, and Keegan’s teacher speak… I thought about what graduating Kindergarten means. It means moving to first grade, eating lunch in the cafeteria, and all that comes with going to school for a full day. It also means you are well on your way to reading and writing proficiently, you’ve learned the logistics of being in a classroom setting and are moving forward.  Those little kids are one step closer to graduating High School. I started to think I could easily be upset that that our experience with graduating Kindergarten is so different from that. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like we are moving forward at all. Keegan is nowhere near learning to read… He doesn’t even talk! I used to get really upset when I compared Keegan to other children his age. I have written about my struggles with accepting that Keegan isn’t going to function at the same level as his peers (at least not today, I am not limiting him and do not know what the future holds). I don’t expect him to wake up tomorrow and start walking and talking much less reading and writing. Normally that thought crushed me. That one simple thought. How could three words be so painful? Keegan isn’t normal. It always left me utterly distraught. I am working so hard to try and make it so, and it isn’t happening, I am failing.

Thankfully that isn’t where my thoughts went. God is working on my heart; while it is still painful, and still sometimes excruciating to think about I am starting to be okay with that fact. I don’t think it is in God’s plan for Keegan to be “normal,” so I am going to have to try and accept that it is out of my hands. I know he is using Keegan and our family, and there is a purpose. I believe part of that purpose is to share our story, our struggles, and the hope we have with others.

If you have a child diagnosed with Septo-Optic Dysplasia, or you have a child with special needs; maybe seizures, eating issues, severe developmental delays. Anything similar or different to what we’ve gone through I truly hope you know:

You. are NOT. alone.

I often felt alone, and I am so happy to finally be in a place where I know that I am not. I know that even when I did not acknowledge him, God was on my side.  So many things have changed since I opened my heart back up to him, and started to allow him to work in my life. I have gained support from countless others in ways I would never expect, and I know that I am never alone in this battle.  It is my deepest hope that you will know that you aren’t alone! Keep fighting for your children! There is a reason for everything.

Anyway back to graduation, rather than sink into despair I was filled with love. Keegan’s teacher is retiring; today was her last day. Not only were the kids moving up to first grade, an amazing teacher is leaving. I am excited for her, wish her a relaxing retirement! She has been such a blessing in so many people’s lives. I pray the school finds someone equally amazing to try to fill those shoes. During the graduation ceremony she recited a poem that she tweaked to fit this occasion that really hit home:

A Hundred Years From Now

… It will not matter how much money was in my piggy bank,

What kind of playhouse I played in,

Or the kind of trike I pedaled.

But the world may be a little better,

Because I was important in the life of a teacher.

She proceeded to tell everyone how much she’s learned from all the kids she’s had the pleasure of working with over the last 30 years.

I don’t think there was a dry eye in that room. The original poem is almost as good, it has the same sentiment. It encourages you to really examine what matters in life. 

I thought about how lucky these kids are to go to a school where they get to ride horses, and go swimming! They are so fortunate to be in an environment where people do everything possible to give them more than a normal life. I never really thought of Keegan as lucky, or blessed, or fortunate. However you choose to say it. That was kind of a revelation today.

I am thankful for the amazing teachers, aids, volunteers, and staff. 

Picollo is truly a special place!

All of this brought to my mind something I heard in a teaching this week. Forgive me for not having a direct quote or the scripture that went with it. I was not being very studious. Instead of taking notes I was cutting out felt to make angry birds masks for the boys’ bird-day party this weekend. Anyway the teaching was by John Piper and he said something along the lines of: By faith in his grace we get the help and he gets the glory.  I just want to thank God for his grace and give him the glory for all of these amazing things happening! I know that if I weren't following him I would not be in this amazing place.